


On choice and regret

by Melacka



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Growing Up, Moving On, Post-Series, finding yourself, which witch ficathon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-26 18:10:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17146583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melacka/pseuds/Melacka
Summary: After the collapse of Sunnydale, Willow tries to leave the supernatural world behind and return to college.





	On choice and regret

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the 2018 Which Witch ficathon. Prompt was: "What if Willow decides to leave the supernatural world behind after they defeat The First and return to college?"

When Sunnydale was destroyed, Willow felt like she could finally breathe again. The last few months had been so horrible that she barely knew how to function any more. The wave of magic from that last big spell had left her feeling cleansed, but also exhausted and oddly bereft. Like she had lost something she’d been trying to hold onto. She knew that it was time to move on.

A few weeks after they left the crater that used to be her home, Willow enrolled in Oxford University, prepared to reclaim the life that she always thought she would have. The life she used to think she wanted. She hugged her friends goodbye and amidst the promises to visit and stay in touch, they all pretended not to notice the feeling of relief at the parting.

When she moved to England, she started off in London. She didn’t want any reminders of the time she had spent there before. She didn’t want any magic or spells or anything remotely supernatural, not yet. Last time she’d been in England had been one of her darkest moments, one of the worst times of her life. She didn’t want to remember that. So she went around to all the tourist sites and spent hours in the museums, deliberately not thinking about all she had left behind.

She’s persevered with Kennedy for a while. They’d tried long distance, talking every night and seeing each other on weekends whenever they could. After a while, though, Willow realised that it just wasn’t sustainable. Kennedy was becoming increasingly frustrated by the way Willow distanced herself from magic and the supernatural. Kennedy was just learning to enjoy her strength, the pure sense of power she felt every time she went patrolling. Willow remembered what that felt like, of course, remembered how the power had changed her. She didn’t feel giddy over her power any more. Just tired. She was all out of people to prove herself to and she was learning how to be okay with that. She was learning how to be happy with who she was instead of constantly seeking to show everyone how good she was. How much she could do.

So eventually when Kennedy confessed almost defiantly that she had been seeing another woman, another slayer, Willow had wished her well. Kennedy seemed a little put out by how well Willow took this betrayal of their relationship, but Willow had learned some perspective over the years. Their relationship had been very important to her and helped her start to heal, but it had run its course and she was ready to let it go.

She did sometimes feel tempted to revert to using magic. Once when she was running really late for a class, she came close to taking a few of her old shortcuts for getting ready. And then there was the time that a bunch of guys had been giving her a hard time when she walked home with a girl she’d been seeing on and off. She felt that familiar rush of indignation, especially when she saw how scared her date was. She sensed the power lurking in her fingertips, just begging to teach those idiots a lesson. It reminded her why she’d started exploring magic in the first place. She’d pretended at the time that it was the natural progression of being involved with Buffy, that she should have a means of defending herself and a way to make her even more valuable to the group. But she knew that was a lie. She’d wanted to be special. She’d wanted to be _powerful_.

In order to curb those impulses, she threw herself into her studies. Willow gloried in the value she felt for her intelligence. None of the people around her knew who she was and most of them didn’t _care_. They’d never know that she had the power to destroy them all, had in fact come frighteningly close to it once before. She enjoyed getting into philosophical arguments with people, the depth of knowledge surrounding her was a comfort and something to aspire to. She spent her weekends travelling on the train, going all over the country and learning its history. Even in this, though, she couldn’t really escape the supernatural. She could see the signs of it everywhere. She could sense the magic humming under the surface of a lot of the historical buildings she visited, smiling benignly when people talked about their impossible size and grandeur, wondering aloud how they could possibly be built with the technology available at the time. She knew better, of course. The bounds of what was really, truly impossible were a lot flimsier than most people realised.

For the most part, Willow loved her new life. The transition was made easier because she was able to exchange some form of contact with her friends from Sunnydale. She took suggestions from Giles about what to see and do, as well as debating over the merits of her course selection. She helped Xander figure out how to best travel from place to place when he was seeking out new slayers. She did some research to help Dawn out and couldn’t be prouder when she said that she was preparing to attend college herself. And Buffy. They exchanged friendly emails that said nothing at all and always seemed to miss each other’s phone calls. It hurt her that she felt so distant from someone who had been so important to her for so long. She wanted to repair their relationship but didn’t know how to go about it, or even if Buffy wanted to. They’d hurt each other so much towards the end in Sunnydale, even if they had come back together for that final battle. They’d both let it get so bad, ignoring the problems for so long that they could barely find a way past it now.

Willow knew that they loved each other and she had faith that they would come back together in time. She just didn’t know when that would be or how it could possible be achieved when they weren’t _talking_ to each other. She was dating again, studying new and exciting things and trying to carve out a different future for herself, now that she could have one. She wanted to share all of that with her best friend.

* * * * *

At the end of her first semester at Oxford, Buffy suggested that they meet up. She was planning to come to London for a previously undiscovered slayer. Willow agreed happily, if a little nervously, and travelled to London on the day Buffy was due to arrive. She booked herself a room in the same hotel that Buffy was going to stay in and waited impatiently for her to arrive.

When the knock at the door finally came, Willow had been pacing the room for 20 minutes. She opened the door and they stared in silence at each other for a moment before Buffy launched herself into Willow’s arms, crying.

“Will,” she wailed. “I’ve missed you so much.”

Willow laughed through her tears and hugged her gratefully.

“I’m so glad you’re here, Buffy,” she said earnestly as they pulled back. “Come in.”

She stepped back from the door and ushered her inside. Buffy walked in and let the door close behind her, averting her eyes in embarrassment.

“Uh,” she said awkwardly. “Sorry about that.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Willow said happily, taking her hand.

“Yes,” Buffy said seriously. “I do. I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch.”

Willow smiled sadly and said, “Then we both have something to be sorry for.”

“Yeah,” she agreed. “You know what it’s like for the good guys, though.”

“Not so good with the communication?”

“Pretty bad at it, actually.”

Willow let out a sigh of relief and pulled her in for another hug.

“That’s something we have to work on then.”

“Definitely.”

* * * * *

The next time Willow called Buffy, she answered.

“Hey, Will. How’s my favourite college girl?”

“Pretty good,” Willow said happily. “How’s my favourite Slayer?”

“Is that me?” Buffy teased.

“Of course! The original and the best!”

“I’m not so sure about that anymore,” Buffy replied with a laugh. “But points for effort. How’s school?”

“Busy, but good. I got into an argument the other day with someone over the Salem witch trials.”

“Oh, that must have been fun for you. Did you send them flying?”

“No,” she sighed, “but I was tempted.”

* * * * *

“Do you ever regret it?” Willow asked out of nowhere a few months later.

“Regret what?” Buffy replied distantly. She had Willow on speaker while she made an effort at cleaning her apartment. Based on the sounds of thumping and muttered cursing, Willow didn’t think it was going well.

“The spell,” Willow clarified. “The one that activated all the slayers.”

“Oh, that.”

There was a pause and Willow bit her lip, wondering if she shouldn’t have brought it up.

“Look, forget I—”

“Regret is the wrong word,” Buffy said eventually, picking the phone up again. “I still think we did the right thing and we were all out of alternatives.”

“Yeah,” Willow said pensively. “It was a bad time.”

“The worst,” Buffy agreed. “I made a choice that changed so many people’s lives and I do regret that it was _necessary_ , but I don’t regret the choice itself.”

There was another pause while Willow contemplated the implications of this. How many girls had they condemned to a violent death because of that spell?

“No, Will,” Buffy said, “don’t think like that.”

Willow was surprised, she was almost certain she hadn’t said any of that out loud.

“There is evil in the world and it is just our lot in life to fight it.”

Willow made a non-committal noise in her throat. She didn’t feel like she was fighting evil any more.

“We spend so much time tracking down slayers and talking to them so that they can choose that for themselves,” Buffy continued seriously. “The choice is theirs, ultimately. They can choose to walk away, they can choose to take up the fight.”

“You never had that choice,” Willow said quietly.

“No, not initially,” Buffy agreed. “But now I do. I choose this life. I _choose_ to keep fighting. It’s who I am, Will. I can’t hide from that anymore.” She laughed suddenly and said, “And believe me, I’ve tried!”

“Do you think—” Willow stopped herself, unsure if she wanted to know the answer.

“Think what, Will?” Buffy said gently.

“Do you think I’m hiding?” Willow said in a rush. “Do you think I’ve given up the fight?”

“No,” Buffy said decisively. “I think you’re trying to figure yourself out. And that’s a _good_ thing, Will. You’ve earned that right.”

Willow sighed in relief, feeling as if a weight she hadn’t even known was there had suddenly been lifted from her shoulders.

“And if, one day, you’re ready to take up that fight again, I’ll be right there with you.”

“Yeah?” Willow said wistfully.

“Of course. You’re my best friend, Willow. I’ll be here, when you’re ready.”

“When I’m ready,” Willow echoed thoughtfully.

* * * * *

A little over a year later, Willow knocked on Buffy’s door. Buffy gaped at her in shock for a moment and Willow grinned at her.

“I’m ready.”

**Author's Note:**

> A big thank you to anyone who reads/leaves kudos/comments and also to the organisers of the ficathon. This was a lot fun to write and I'm really happy I got to participate.


End file.
